🥓 Tragedy Strikes Meatingrove CI

Last week, a series of tragic events occurred, starting with the mysterious eye of Eveloin Rib. But don’t worry - there’s mutton to fret about.

“It all started in Science, last Monday morning,” said the Grade Nine student. “I was trying to pay attention, and then one of my eyes popped out.” Eveloin Rib’s eye gracefully leapt from its socket, witnesses recalled, at 9:07 A.M. on Monday, rolling out the door and into the hallway. After pausing briefly to look out the window, it made its way through the Science hallway and tumbled down the stairs, although my sources do not specify when or how. The whole Science class spent the morning searching for the rogue eye, with no luck, but at last, Rib’s eye was found cooling off in a water fountain.

Like most of Eveloin’s classmates, Hamantha Mince was very relieved. “I’m just glad Eveloin’s eye was found. It would be unsettling knowing that a stray eyeball still roams the halls of Meatingrove. “Wouldn’t that be so unsettling?” said Mince in our interview yesterday. Eveloin is recovering in the hospital, and she will return to school by Monday. On behalf of all members here at The Bacon, I am extremely relieved for both Eveloin and her reunited eye.

As if a runaway eye wasn’t enough for our school last week, The Bacon’s super top-secret undisclosed headquarters were found ablaze on Tuesday, with no one at the scene. Although no one was there, sources state that a math test belonging to Grade Ten student Vee Ande was found suspiciously close to the cause of the fire: a can of Spam ignited by pyrokinetic powers. The Spam can appears to remain sealed and unchanged, so if anyone is looking for a meaty snack during breaktime, The Bacon’s super top-secret undisclosed headquarters are always open.

Vee Ande was found the day after in the parking lot, pointing at similar cans of Spam and muttering to herself, “You meathead, it was just a misteak,” as she lit them on fire. I’m not pointing any fingers here, but I am. Thankfully, no one was injured, and the damage from the Spam fire was minute. It’s safe to say that we avoided being smoked bacon.

In international news, the distant relative of Grade Twelve student Chuck Ram was knighted last week. Chuck’s recount of how he and Sir Alexhamder Loin OBE are related was a convoluted mess to listen to, but I will take his word for it. Sir Loin entered knighthood on the 27th of March at Buckingham Palace, being knighted Officer of the Most Excellent Order of the Brifish Empire by Queen Elizabeef II, for global contributions in the field of Physribs. Loin gave a very tender and heartwarming speech afterwards, followed by a lovely performance of “I Wanna Hold Your Ham’’ by The Beefles.

Last week was certainly filled with mayham, but we are just happy everyone is safe and sound.

Image Credit: “Zombie Eyeball” by Kelly’s Kustom Pinstriping

This article is part of “The Bacon” - The Beacon’s April Fools’ edition. We hope you enjoyed!