🥓 Meghan Markle Breathes, British Tabloids Outraged

Maya Hutzul Maya Hutzul Instagram Apr 01, 2021 · 1 min read
🥓 Meghan Markle Breathes, British Tabloids Outraged
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Meghan Markle has been a source of scandal in the British tabloids, upending many longstanding royal traditions. Among her alleged crimes are being multiracial, being a woman, being American, having parents, and existing. Yet her landmark Oprah interview in March led to groundbreaking journalists at Mail on Sunday discovering something far more nefarious about the Duchess of Sussex - her breathing during the interview.

“We watched this video clip maybe a hundred times,” said bleary-eyed intern Leah Wimbleton. “We noticed that Markle displays a concerning need for oxygen. See here, how she breathes between words? There’s something fishy going on.”

Self-described mature individual Piers Morgan was quick to offer his input on the shocking behaviour. “At the ten-minute mark, Meghan breathes for nine seconds. The same number of letters in Voldemort’s name. Coincidence? I think not. It’s obvious, Meghan Markle is declaring her support for Death Eaters.”

QAnon fundraiser and self-proclaimed “clown entrepreneur” David Jones had his own take on the story. “I’ve heard rumours that Darth Vader also breathes. I think there’s more connections between Markle and the Sith then the fake news media would lead you to believe.”

Markle’s breathing has also been linked to an avocado shortage in South America, and higher infant mortality rates, according to Leslie Wilbur. “I saw it on Facebook,” she said. “Who does she think she is, taking the precious breathing air that could go to children and babies? I don’t think that climate change is real, or anything, but Meghan’s breathing sure does cause a lot of CO2 emissions.”

At press time, Meghan Markle’s breathing was also linked to COVID-19, the fall of the Roman Empire, and multiple Arkham Asylum breakouts in Gotham.

Image Credit: “File:Prince Harry and Meghan Markle.jpg” by Mark Jones.

This article is part of “The Bacon” - The Beacon’s April Fools’ edition. We hope you enjoyed!

Maya Hutzul
Written by Maya Hutzul Instagram
Former Copy Editor