🥓 Ways to Protect Yourself from COVID-19

Hey MCI. There seems to be a lot of misinformation being spread about how to keep yourself safe during the pandemic. To combat this, the journalists at The Bacon have talked to experts in the field to bring you the most reliable advice to protect yourself from the novel coronavirus. Here are our top tips:

Drink water: Viruses are very bad at swimming and will drown if you drink enough water.

Set boundaries: Say, “Stop. I don’t feel comfortable with you taking over my cells. Please respect my personal space.” The virus will be shocked by your level of maturity and will back down.

Throw your wallet in front of you and run in the opposite direction: The virus will go for your wallet and leave you alone.

Use street smarts: When face-to-face with the virus, chew a tab of alka-seltzer. This creates a foaming-at-the-mouth appearance that makes it look like you have rabies. This will throw the virus off its rhythm. It won’t know how to fight back.

Make fun of it: We here at The Bacon are not fans of bullying, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Say, “Who do you think you are? You don’t even have cells. You’re only able to reproduce by leeching off others. How pathetic. Are you even alive?” This will send the virus into an existential crisis. It will cry. Use this time to make your escape.

Become TikTok famous: It will be intimidated by your virality and won’t try to compete.

This is the most up-to-date information we have now. We hope you have learned something useful. Please continue to listen to health professionals and follow the guidelines set by your federal and provincial governments. Stay safe Bears.

Image Source: “People Wearing DIY Masks” by cottonbro from Pexels

This article is part of “The Bacon” - The Beacon’s April Fools’ edition. We hope you enjoyed!