Aries: You will get closer to a certain Libra in the near future. They will say “slay” a lot, so you better get used to it.
Taurus: Avoid men with red capes.
Gemini: You hate those long snack lines at lunch. Why don’t you get your other personality to wait in line for you?!
Cancer: Stop being so crabby. You’ve nothing to complain about, your birthday is in the summer. How many birthdays do you spend knee-deep in the snow?
Leo: You’re bound for greatness, but only if you’ve been held aloft as a baby by a mandrill.
Virgo: Buy a cat and name it Chris.
Libra: Avoid people with L names. Mercury is in retrograde.
Scorpio: Your next shower will be interrupted by a large and mildly poisonous insect.
Sagittarius: You will be hit by Cupid’s arrow! But you will feel a little horse afterwards…
Capricorn: Tell that person you love them this Valentine’s day! You know who we’re talking about. No! Not them! Oh my god, no. You can do better than that. The Other one.
Aquarius: Happy birthday! Let go of something toxic. No, seriously, put that down, it’s not safe.
Pisces: There’s something fishy going on in your love life. You might have to go out and hook somebody else.